How to: Survive Hurricane Season at UCF

President Donald Trump’s decision to withdraw from the Paris Climate Agreement last Thursday spawned criticism from all sides, with the most recent outcry coming from Mother Nature herself. According to local meteorological predictions, Nature’s retribution is likely to come in the form of the worst hurricane season on record. Here are some tips for being prepared as our planet takes action against the current political climate.

  • Stock up on supplies while you still can. Don’t make the rookie mistake of focusing on batteries and canned foods; you’ll want to save room in your apartment or dorm for PBR and Ramen while you ride out the storms.
  • Obviously, the safest place to be on campus during a hurricane is the Math and Sciences building—since it already looks and smells like a hurricane shelter.
  • If you can’t make it to the Math and Sciences building, the gym is your next best option; if the power goes out, you know the generators at the gym will still have the A.C. blowing at a cool 22 degrees fahrenheit.
  • Really, the safest place to ride out a storm is USF, considering that’s everyone’s “safe school” when they apply for college.
  • If it’s a Category 4 or below, you’ll probably be fine.
  • When traversing campus in search of dry land, try to avoid members of the College Democrats who, instead of letting you get to safety, will hold you up to talk about why the hurricanes are all the Republicans fault.
  • Also try to avoid members of the College Republicans, who will be sure to stop you to inform you that it isn’t hurricanes we should worry about, it’s the blizzard of thousands of liberal snowflakes pedaling fake news. (How can global warming be real when there are so many snowflakes?)
  • Take a quick trip to the Temple of Sounion in Greece to say a prayer or make an offering to the sea god, Poseidon. Given the potential of our state sinking into Poseidon’s domain, it’s never a bad thing to be on his good side.
  • Beaches will likely be swarming with surfers taking advantage of the excellent conditions. We recommend using this time to check out Volcano Bay instead!
  • In the event of severe flooding, seek the highest ground possible. On campus this is likely to be Tacko Fall’s shoulders.
  • This is an excellent time to practice for Spirit Splash.
  • During hurricane season, expect no delays in the off-campus shuttle system. They will still be operating at the low level of efficiency you have come to expect from UCF.
  • We here at the Stallion don’t condone looting, but if you’re starving and the situation becomes dire, we recommend you still do not eat at ’63 South.
  • If you catch yourself in the Union when a hurricane hits, stay safe by hiding out in the Chili’s; there’s never anyone in there anyway. (RIP Wackadoos)
  • If the power does go out for an extended period of time, you will likely find yourself bored. Consider using this time to write a strongly worded letter to your senator or state representative reminding them that climate change is a thing.

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