UCF Diverts Bright Futures Money Towards Building Moat Around University

In a push to make attending college as inaccessible as ever, UCF has decided to withhold the increased Bright Futures scholarship funds from the student base and instead build a moat that will encircle the main campus.

“I was looking at the lazy river we were building for the athletics resort, and I started thinking ‘What if we do this, but bigger?” explained one school administrator, “We’ve been worried about campus security these last couple of years and I think this is the kind of infrastructure investment we need to make to keep our students safe from the outside.”

Others applauded the move as the next crucial step in collegiate education on campus. “It’s imperative here at UCF that we keep academics and education as far removed from the real world as possible,” explained program coordinator Jim Belski. “What better way to physically manifest this then by building a body of water around our school.”

Administration officials have decided to let students retain the $300 stipend towards textbook purchases as long as the materials are related to educational topics such as communication at sea and boating rules and regulations. These materials come free of charge to those attending orientation this year who will be provided with live demonstrations of how to interact with the moat, and how it may affect a freshman’s first year experience.

Students have had mixed reactions to the planned construction with many who live off campus complaining about extended times it will take to ferry their vehicles across the moat in addition to parking that some describe as a “little challenging”. “I feel like I have to wake up a little earlier every semester to get to my class. I guess I won’t be able to sleep in until 12 anymore.”

Other groups such as the Rowing, Fishing, and SCUBA Club have embraced the planned construction, with some referring to it as “the next step to putting us on par with other universities across the nation. Better to do it before they catch wind of how efficient such an investment may be.”

Any leftover funds originally designated to be put towards expanding campus parking were diverted last minute towards revamping campus dining halls once again.

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